the mountains
the fam
me and Um Reaadh
Um Fahid milking the goat
Reaadh (R) and Abdullah(L) making food
Um Fahid, the moon, the goats

them goats

jibal

Thurs March 1st
we returned today from our rural homestays. As i sit trying to think about the things i've learned during the experience, it again becomes to hard to pinpoint what it was exactly that i experienced. I don't know why it's become so hard to be an "active" participant in my experiences, but perhaps it's simply because i haven't had time to write out my thoughts and physical feel and touch the remnants of this experience at my finger tips, literally looking at the words and thoughts that run through my mind as i contemplate the world around me.

As I'm tired at the moment I'd like to just sum up a favorite moment of the trip briefly:
There was a moment while i was out with my two host mothers, shepherding the goats that i thoroughly appreciated. We were taking a moments break and sitting while the goats where eating the "kham" (one of the many new plants i learned about on the trip) when Um Reaad exclaimed out simply and pointedly "subHan Allah aj-jibal." (Praise the lord, the mountains literally in Arabic, but what is more commonly understood as something like "wow, the mountains"). I myself had been in utter awe of the mountains, especially earlier on that very day, and had thought to myself how lucky i was to be able to appreciate such a view. I had also been critical in my mind, thinking, "I wonder if they look onto these mountains with the fresh eyes that i do and appreciate the sheer beauty of the land?" cynically assuming that they took for granted what was right in front of them. What i loved about Um Reaadh's outburst is that she proved me wrong.

It also got me thinking about some of my first words when i saw these mountains the first day. I said to myself "This type of stuff would make someone believe in God." The next day i had a conversation with my second host mother (note this is all before Um Reaadh's outburst) asking her if it was the wind that made the beautiful shapes in the mountain sides (something that already assumed was true from what little geological knowledge i could muster up from 8th grade science, but thought would be fun to toss up as an icebreaker of conversation). Yet her response wasn't what i expected. She responded that "no no, not the wind. They're just that way SubHan allah." If i hadn't taken that 8th grade science class and felt so assured that it was indeed the wind and some geological phenomenon that made these mountains, would i simply agree with her? And if i did agree with her, and believed that it was the work of God, would i be offended when someone who didn't believe in God came and tried to tell me that it was simply the air that i breathe every day, that made such beautiful shapes? Later that day Um Reaadh was getting more interested in me as she heard me claim the auto-responsive "In Sha allah's" and "Alhamdi"s in selective parts of conversation (i.e. speaking about future events, or about my health and family). Eventually she asked me "do you pray?" I said no. I sensed the utter disappointment in her face as she had been praising for so long all day to her friend, but now had nothing to claim in glory of my response. Was i in some way rejecting the very foundation upon which she understands the mountains around her? Would i be just as upset if i asked someone "do you believe in gravity?" and they said "nope"? Of course, I don't want to go as far as to say that science and religion are two separate entities, because one can always be a believer in the fact that the wind makes those mountains, and then be enamored by the amazing harmony with which this world circles. Nor do i really want to break down this conversation into one of educated people with 8th grade science vs. those without it and their tendencies to be more spiritual. on the contrary i know that there are millions of many more important factors that have affected the religiosity of my host mothers, and i could never really understand the weight with which the beauty of the mountains carried within those factors. I guess the point here is simply to re-illustrate the power within some religious manifestations and how structurally complicated it is to really question religious beliefs. Like the astonishingly complex, intricate, and individual carvings on the face of each mountain and the unknown elements that form them, I may never know all the factors that have molded a belief in God, nor may i understand their resonating strength within them because each one is so individual and not my own (i.e. if we were to refer back to the rock analogy, this would be the structural integrity of an individual carving, like those ones that look like they could crack at the blink of an eye, but then you notice the enormous rock balancing precariously from above that must have been there for a century or so and you just can't understand it).

i'm too unorganized to end this post, so that's it.

yuh

it's abu ali. at the kishk. "culture for the whole"
the mosque lit up at night. from my hood.
night in the hood. that wall is the edge of the monarchies crib. holler

what do you speak

WED FEB 21st

This might be another one of those "the cat crossed the street moments" but i'd like to share it. Last night I met with two Jordanians for a Language exchange session, where you exchange an hour of Arabic for an hour of English helping the other improve their language skills. Originally i was just to meet a Jordanian fellow of 28 named Muhamad, who picked me up and we went to a mall to sit at a cafe. Later his girlfriend came over, who i felt was a large confidant for him, forcing him to really focus on his spoken English. Muhammad's English is not that good, but he is in need of it. He's trying to get a job in Kuwait where he needs to be able to speak English fluently. As is turns out, he was supposed to be interviewed yesterday over the phone to make sure that he was conversational in English, and to also ask him technical terms about the type of work he does "technical engineering" of some sort. He explained to me that he had just heard about this interview the day before, and became very scared at the idea... and then literally half hour he had found out about it, i had called him to see if he was interested in language exchange (his enthusiasm over the phone had been made clear to me before, but now i understood the reason). He said he saw me as good luck for him.
But why is this job so important for him? His girlfriend is 22 and she explained to me the situation when Muhamad went to pray Mughreb. Yasmine (her name) is also an engineer, but a agricultural one. She graduated last year and is already working for a major company, but regardless of what sounded like a great job when she described it, she told me that she only makes 200 JD a month ($300 in america), and that that was the same amount that Muhamad has been able to find in Amman. So now they're looking to work in Kuwait where they can make more money, because there are no opportunities in Amman. It struck me at this point how important for Muhamad learning this language must be. Here i am, spending however many thousands of dollars to fly across an ocean and study a language, when i don't even really know my plans for the future, where Muhamad finds english lessons for free in order to get a job that will pay his daily bills. ( i understand that this might be a harsh generalization of the situation, but I'm almost certain that it isn't that far from the truth for some).
And then i got to thinking again. Yesterday morning we had an american come speak to us on his experience in studying Arabic. he could speak well, having studied for quite a while, but by no means would i say he was at the level of many of the people (foreigners studying arabic) i met from Syria. He told us that in order for us to really excel in our study of the language, we have to know why we're studying it. ugh. I've pondered that question for so long, and still can't come up with a straight answer, but perhaps my point is this: maybe i can't come up with an answer for that because i don't have to yet. Muhammad studies English now because he must. Why do i study Arabic: because it's a beautiful language, because it's a challenge (and i have an ego problem), because i hate the idea of ever trying to understand someone without speaking to them in their native tongue (whether it be Arabic or Engrabic...), because i think it's sad that the number of americans i've heard speak the language with the grace that a native speaker does still fits easily on the fingers of one hand. But what does this all mean? i guess I'm just trying to point out that fact that regardless of how many privileged americans have the chance through SIT and many other abroad programs in the Middle East to travel here and learn this language, that doesn't translate into the same number of privileged americans who study it with the same rigor and will eventually speak it with the ease that Yasmine spoke English with me (and that eventually Muhammad must reach).

I sat patiently last night trying to recall what little English grammar i studied in school in order to explain why i say "i have worn" instead of "i have wearing" when talking about the rings on my fingers that i've worn since 8th grade (note that Muhammad said that these were the very first things he noticed about me when he picked me up... i wear rings on both of my ring fingers... enough to confuse any man looking for a wife). I wish i had paid more attention during those few grammar lessons we had. looks like both he and i have a lot to learn together.

same picture from below but backed up.
masjid in the "hood" as ahmad might say
friday morning in East Amman, peops shopping
street on friday morning

the kishk of abu ali

guy on a set of stairs, rainy friday morning

stuff

Feb 18th at night:
Firstly and foremost, i'd like to apologize again for how rambling and long my posts can sometimes be, it's just that I'm finding that nearly every second here is so loaded with observations and realizations that I'm interested in expressing, and constantly rethinking over that there is too much for my brain to organize. I think everyone on our trip can relate to that. This said, i have many things on the agenda for today because it's been too long since I've written last, so bare with me.

The past few days have been hard. For friends and family at home, we've all been dealing with the grave health of one of our friends from high-school, Crisitn Duprey, my junior year roommate, confidant in Bobby Brown karaoke, practically everyone's big momma at SAS at some point, the woman who taught me how to shake (harlem shake that is), the one who kept me up at night talking to love's back in the city until who knows when in the morning, and perhaps most importantly, someone who i could always count on to be there for me when i needed her. And although i could go on, i don't feel that this blog is the place to truly do justice to her. It's been difficult dealing with the fact that I'm half way across the world and can only make brief calls to friends and family in order to find out her health status, or to speak to people for support. I'm having a hard enough time trying to reconcile the very world I'm living with here, let alone a second one closer to my heart, but farther in actual space.

"Rachel Ray on cooking in the Middle East"

At home things have been going well (no worries Nour....). It's been difficult personally dealing with the fact that there is a Maid in the house, who's story i've recently come to uncover, and am not satisfied with. But this is something that I'm dealing with daily, and also feel as inappropriate to speak about here. Relations with the family are building. I essentially come home everyday from school around 4-5, where they have lunch set out waiting for me, and it's always delicious. I sit and eat, and then when I'm done i go sit with the family in the sitting room. Usually Nabil is sleeping on the couch, taking his daily nap, while A3beer and any assortment of children sit around the TV watching some show or another. I still don't really understand the selection of TV they watch (usually American shows like ER, Rachel Ray, and Dr. Phil, or American movies that i've never heard of or seen). Something i do notice though, and appreciate, are the constant comments of misunderstanding that come from Nabil on some of the things he sees. Today for instance, we were watching rachel ray and she was making a lasagna in the kitchen. After the meal was finished and she was scooping it out on a plate, Nabil simply commented "they make such weird food." The youngest daughter Rayia agreed, and i thought to myself, I wonder what would happen if i took them home with them and fed them the odd contraptions that my family eats... would Nabil even accept the food? Would he talk and complain about how bad it was afterwards to A3beer? I then got to thinking about how my parents (american) are always asking about what type of foods i eat here, and how they can make it. Is it true that our food is just weird, and bad, and that Middle Eastern food is the triumph of all cuisine? I doubt that. Perhaps is just a part of American culture, as being so plural, to seek new adventures in the Kitchen... after-all what is American food besides stolen food from far away destinations (with the exception of Tex-Mex, and the favorite hamburger and fries meal... are they even American truly though?). I then started making connections back to a reoccurring discussion brought up recently about the food of jordan, and relating it to the short history of the country.
Jordan itself, doesn't really have any historically famous meals. The food is taken from the culturally richer and older regions of the Middle East, like Palestine and Syria, because Jordan in itself never really had a settled/stagnant population to construe up their own contraptions. Are the meals here in Jordan, like the famous Munsaf, seen to be more "authentic" then because their origins are just a few miles away, rather than across the atlantic, like most of ours might be? But before i state talking about what is "authentic", perhaps it's just better to ask : Why does Nabil really think our food is weird? Is it too unauthentic, unhistorical, oddly contrapted food of the ignorant? Perhaps just the lasagna Rachel Ray was making looked too odd for him, but why would he generalize all of "their" food as weird just from one dish? I have no idea what types of assumptions and beliefs about America his short statement really held, and what it really comes down to, is the fact that i shouldn't be talking about these assumptions until he makes them really clear to me. I mean, what good are assumptions about assumptions anyways...? Of course, this isn't the only time that he's commented on the weirdness of something he's seen on TV (for instance the curios manner of a crazy woman in an American movie). Perhaps if i keep note of all the strange things he comments on i could have a better vague understanding of the gaps he sees between his culture and mine. It pains me that such an understanding comes from the television, but perhaps it's more incentive for me to really make use of my time in this house


"Negative Receiver"
Another fun conversation I had today was with my arabic teacher Mahmood, about a lesson that i had studied from the Arabic learning book he had written using excerpts of newspaper clippings to teach the language. The first exercise was on Arab Media, and how it needs to develop into a critical thinking entity. What was interesting though, was the direct Arabic translation that i didn't quite understand all the time. Specifically, there was a direct translation from the words for negative and positive "selbi" and "ejabi" that Mahmood understood as giving meaning to how critical a person was when listening to the news. For instance, one of the questions for discussion translates directly into " the person must not be a negative receiver of information but he must discuss and analyze with positive analyzation" Negative receiver (this is also how Mahmood directly translated it for me, but he also says that he doesn't speak english very well)
يجت أن لا يكون الإنسان متلقيا سلبيا: بل يجت أن يناقشها و يحللها تحليلا إجابيا
So when i read this passage, i read it as, we should read the news in a positive manner (i.e. be happy about it... rather than constantly be upset with what we hear on the news). Only after i expressed my confusion to Mahmood, did it become clear that a "negative receiver" wasn't necessarily someone who simply got mad at the news, but was someone who didn't question the news or examine it. I wonder what other types of phrases like this i've read over the past six months and have misinterpreted or translated? I've certainly read some passages that i had thought we over simplified in content, but was this because there was too little information/argumentation, or because i simply didn't understand it?
I think it would also be interesting to ask why these two words "selbi" and "ejabi" are used here, where the positive and negative connotation of not questioning the news is made directly obvious, and not through round about context that would be assumed in an english conversation in America (i.e. perhaps in an English context, not questioning the news is already presumed to have negative connotations of naivety or ignorance that need not be highlighted in a discussion). Perhaps i really just don't understand the meaning of these two words. Perhaps the word for negative, also has a connotation of being incorrect and visa versa where positive means being correct? who knows.
Thus, I feel like is it very easy for there to be a miscommunication between Arabic speakers and English speakers without discussion of meanings, but of course this is probably possible with any two people who speak two different language and have only a basic grasp of the other language. Things that might be assumed in one language or the other are different. Thus i have a lot more to study, a lot more people to talk to, and a lot more positive receiving to do.

For another discussion, we could also highlight what Mahmood is arguing about in this point. He brings up the responsibility of the individual to be an active listener to his surroundings, and the need of the Arabic media to be more aware of their surroundings and situations. I brought up the point that freedom of speech and interpretation is sometimes limited to closely by the government, and thus has brought about a culture of stagnancy perhaps. He simply responded by agreeing that the governments work was bad (i chose another Arab country as an example, not Jordan), but that again he returned to individual agency. He concluded with a discussion that almost mirrored what our class had heard from a lecturer from the Center for Strategic Studies, by saying that it was upon the society to reorganize a new mindset for critical thinking separate from the government-- the house, the schools, and he cautiously also approached with "if there are religious organizations, then it is their responsibility as well". It was upon the society to take up the stance in an organized fashion. Is this the revolutionary thoughts that China and Ben are seeking? Perhaps they don't come from the rambunctious teenagers who are more concerned with having a cellphone that plays MP3's, but from the people who've seen developments in the society already, and are ready to push their agenda's on the lucky foreigners who seek to learn the language.

"irrelevant observations"
Muhamad, you can skip this part, because these will be those "the cat crossed the street" type statements, that I'm adding simply for family and friends.


- On Saturday a friend and i got to meet up with a local Jordanian (23) who is studying "American Studies" to get his Masters at the Jordan University. The major is new, and it was fun to finally have the tables turned on us, and be the "other" for once. We met at a cafe in Shmaisani and exchanged Arabic and English. I got to learn some fun knew proverbs in Arabic, "what the cat digs up lands on its head"---> the arabic equivalent of "what goes around comes around".
- I've also been in contact with this guys friend recently to set me up with some work around town. If all works out, i will be helping two orphaned children who live in my neighborhood (mind you on the other side of the hill) teaching the daughter English so that she can excel in school, and then hopefully on Saturday's joining an "exchange of culture" organization that matches up foreigners with locals to share in common interests and discuss. I hope both options come together.
-I'm getting the feeling that Amman is definitely a much more laid back town than Damascus. I woke up this morning with the Azzan at 4:44 am, and was pleased with the slower version of the call than what I heard in Damascus or Istanbul. There was a definite break between each line, of almost equal length to the call itself, making me feel as if the mu'zzen (caller) was almost taking a coffee break in between, or chatting to those behind him (perhaps not a funny joke... i take it back?) Either way, i've also been getting it from my family, and people I've spoken with in the Souqs (btw i found souqs that were either a 1. huge mall, 2. carrfoure or 3. a highway strip with big stores on the side) who take no pain in answering questions of mine, or with allowing me to look at their merchandise quietly.
-I've also realized that Jordanian dialect is a lot easier to understand than any other dialect i've encountered (including Shammy/Syrian). I feel like they speak slower, and perhaps with more words that are closer to FosHa. I'm not exactly sure why.
-I've also decided that i now have sufficiently lost all capabilities to speak in either English or Arabic, or at least that my vocabularies have withered into meaningless hand movements like the o-so-famous 'ishara" from my time at University of Damascus that could be associated with a number of words from "pressure, tyranny, falling, wolf, government, attacks, to flip over..." and the list goes on. I now speak fluently in "Engrabic" or "Arabeezy" and feel awkwardly sufficiently as i stumble over words in front of some of my extremely eloquent and well-read colleagues.

immobilized

WED 14th 11:11pm
yesterday morning, i sat squished in the front seat of a taxi with another girl from SIT on our way to school. they are five girls in my neighborhood, and to save on the extra 3 USD it takes to get to school, we cram into one taxi every morning that only has four seats. Because of my size, i'm blessed with the adventure every morning of finding new ways to squeeze my frame into the space left over once everyone else has taken their seats. The ride passed as normal, the traffic slightly heavy with people trudging to and from work i suppose, our driver was a bit more enthusiastic this morning, telling us of his two wives (one in Palestine, one in Amman), and speaking of the situation in Palestine. Not interested in continuing the conversation, i tuned into the radio broadcast that he kept switching around... first some arab pop music, then some bbc news, and then to a local station having a call in session on the topic of public transportation in Amman. Now this is what i was interested in. Why the hell am i crammed uncomfortably in a cab spending nearly 6 times as much as i spent in one morning to take a Micro bus to school in the morning in Damascus, and what does that say for the rest of the people in the city trying to get around. At least in Damascus, the city is small enough that you can get about anything you need within a good walking distance (i also enjoy long strolls, so this is clearly relative). Here, the many hills/mountains with Amman is stretched out upon divide up the sprawling city, and i haven't even thought twice about walking somewhere (although i'm probably in need of the exercise). needless to say, let's get back to caller number one from the show. It was a lady living in East Amman, and she complained about how much it costs everyday to send her 6 kids to school. She pointed out that if you don't have a car, public transportation seems to be just as expensive and possibly more so, seeing that the bus system isn't well enough established, leaving you only with a cab drive, which just from one section of town to the next costs a USD (let alone from one end of the city to the next). As i was listening i kept reminiscing about the micro rides i miss so much from Damascus, and thought of asking our cabby what he thought about the subject, but decided against it. I wasn't in the mood with dealing with him and his grin.
The subject came up again to my mind today during our thought provoking lecture by a local 'think tanker' at the University of Jordan. Although i forget exactly what topic we were on at the time, something dealing with local uprising in the community of Amman, revolutionary thoughts of the people and such, a student made a comment: "Where are these 'slums' we talk about." Exactly. We haven't seen them yet. We've been here for almost 2 weeks now, and i've barely looked upon a shabby part of down, except from a distance, and even then, i would not have labeled them slums. Is it because we have no interest in going, or is it because we've felt immobilized by the public transportation system. Everyday i have to strategically plan out my trips around town because I'm so money conscious, especially with the steep comparison of city transportation here than to Damascus. I spend just on my trip to school in the morning, what i would probably have spent in a week last semester. So am i the only one immobilized, perhaps not only am i too money conscious to go the these "slums" but also people in those slums general mobilization to get out of them themselves. in terms of revolutionary consciousness, perhaps a factor of simple section to section immobility that has an effect on the spread of these thoughts... or perhaps does it inflame thoughts of revolt? The woman on the radio show was clearly unhappy, but what was her response to this unhappiness besides calling into a radio show? Do people take advantage of the radio waves as their public transportation, do they use the internet? Is there a connection between physical immobility and immobility of the mind?
Of course these thoughts are in direct relation to our speaker today, who led us to believe that there is no public uprising in Jordan at the moment because of the level of economic stability alloted from American aid. I will never know if in fact this 'immobility' that i speak about exists in these 'slums' that i still haven't seen. But i speak from my own experience as an American within this city, who while having the means to move around, struggles none the less (obviously there are many factors that have to do with this: time, the distance of the house from the city center, finding people to join me, etc.). It's just a thought.

-let me not forget to mention the immobility of the maid in our house, whose story i just discovered recently. but that's a different story.

I also have many thoughts responding to the actual points our speaker brought up today, but I'm definitely in need to sort them out before attempting to address them clearly. until then, here are some topics i'll most likely be dealing with:
- defining modernity as where "reason dominates" among many other things
- speaking of the values that Arabs need to inherit to truly modernize their system both politically and economically--> referring to starting this in schools with basic values of : not lying, being success driven, motivated to solve problems for themselves. This all in relation to a comment made later on the necessity of killing a certain person in politics saying "he needs to be shot, and you can quote me"... perhaps also addressing how we solve problems for ourselves should be addressed.... Also relating these values as a set of cultural instincts that need to be changed within the family structure, and specifically gender relations (perceptions of women from men and women upon themselves). I couldn't help but cringe a bit at this discussion, hopefully i'll figure out why soon.
- related to this, the "facade of modernity" in the Middle East.