after ramadan

so although i very much wanted to add this email/post as just another thing to the after Ramadan list, i've found myself at my house empty and with no homework, so i figure i should take advantage of the opportunity while i can. Once again, i don't have any direction to this as of yet, so most likely it will be a random stream of thought... enjoy.

So essentially ramadan is a lot harder than i thought it would be. In the beginning the fasting is harder, for sure, but you have the patience in the beginning because you feel like you're just embarking on a new journey, and no matter how hard, it's still exciting. For me that excitement started faded pretty strongly in the past week, and especially the past few days. But it wasn't the fasting that was bothering me, because as of now i almost feel completely normal while fasting up until right before maghreb, when my eye-lids start drooping no matter how hard i try to keep them alert. What i think was wearing on me was the feeling of being completely out of control and incapable of fixing my situation (i understand this is a vague thought, but i'll explain). Essentially for the past 3-4 days i've been on a quest to find a place where i can get a certain vaccine for the SIT in Jordan program next semester (if you're interested in the details, it's the pre-exposure rabies vaccine because i'll be living with a bedouin family far from a hospital for 2 weeks). But the shot is actually a series over time, so since i've changed my plans to travel to Pakistan over X-mas and New Years with my friends here, i've be on the hunt to get it here so i won't have to end my journeys earlier. So although your initial thought might be "Zoe, just go to the biggest hospital and even if they don't have it they'll know exactly where it is,"... nice guess, but don't think so. Although i don't want to go into the full detail of the wrong directions i got, the number of wrong buildings i went to, the money i had taken from me, the weird people trying to help me but who only freaked me out, the drivers i had yell at me, the times i almost and did break down crying, or the full day of classes i missed, i will say that i have a new found respect for foreigners in America, especially one's who can't speak english very well. For, as myself, when i set out on this journey I was certain with my innate sense of direction and ability to get things done efficiently it wouldn't take more than an afternoon. What i found out instead is that my Arabic is pretty damn weak, especially in colloquial (which was needed to get this job done), and that there are times that no matter how insistent i might be, my 5'5'' slim frame in a womans body just doesn't get the job done like a 6'2'' well built Arab man (who is essentially the only reason i think i'm remotely close to getting the vaccine now). Of course, i wouldn't go as far as to say that this relies on the male part, for i'm sure my house mother, Hala, with her well over 250 pound build could part the red sea like moses if she wanted to. Really what i think it is, is a different attitude to getting what you need done. For instance, here there is no concept of "the line" really. I have people cut me on a regular bases: women, children, men, old geezers: to the bus, to food, to a door, for a question. They don't give a second thought. And nudges and a little shove is all fair game. The instance that i reference with this 6'2'' character took place in the center for testing AIDS (another wrong address i had been given) where there is always a line of about 40 people creeping out the door and into the street. The doctor who does the tests inside is probably the scariest person (let alone doctor) i've ever seen in my life (he took my blood the first week i was here for the mandatory AIDS test from the University... not only did he go at my arm like a kid trying to pop a balloon with a needle, but was screaming at me the whole time about what i should be doing ..." WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OPEN YOUR HAND!!!!" I don't think he stops yelling ever. So me being me, of course i would have waited in the long line, and if i had ever reached him by sunset probably not get my question across in time for him to care, as i fumbled over my broken Arabic. In fact, the first time i had gone to the center about 15 minutes earlier, the guy standing at the door simply told me to go away, and that i wasn't in the right place. But what did superman do? get this, it was amazing. He simply walked passed everyone (he was essentially taller and bigger than everyone there), everyone moved aside for him, walked straight up to the doctor who was yelling at someone in the hallway with probably 15 men surrounding him waiting to talk to him, interrupted him with the usual greeting "salam aleykum. Keefak", and asked about the vaccination. After he briefed the doctor, he pushed me forward so i could explain the details (doctor still yelling) and after a brief conversation where of course the doc directed me to another location that in the end wasn't right (but was the final location before the actual correct one!) i was amazed that i had faced the monster again, and gotten more than an answer of "NO! NOT HERE!" So thank you super arab man, i've learned the necessities to getting what i need... just need to gain a few pounds and learn some arabic and disregard my normal instinct of 'politeness' (unfortunately i think i'm succeeding at the former more than the ladder two... but at least its at the hand of some damn good food and sweets).

as for the title of this post "after ramadan" which i kind of hinted to in the beginning, i was trying to point to the general difficulty of getting anything done during this holy month. after school is the tiring time, so it's usually filled with a nap, and after iftar is also a tiring time (the itus to full effect) and it's also dark, so doing things in some way must be pre-planned as a group, because it's just better to walk around at night with peeps. But alas, the night is usually filled with hwk and rubbing of the belly. Thus everything has been pushed back a month, better class after ramadan, start volunteering after Ramadan (this was actually what was asked of me, not my lacking of interest in starting earlier), eat in a healthy manner after Ramadan, exercise after Ramadan (including weekly soccer matches, which i've extremely pumped about and simultaneously scared of), find better places to shop in Damascus after Ramadan, weekends that aren't just filled with sleeping after Ramadan (let's hope), more exploring after Ramadan. Of course the things i'm going to miss might be more important than what i think will be better, for there's truly nothing like coming together for Iftar with people you barely know, eating some pretty darn good home cooking, and then simply resting the night away talking about nothing and watching the TV as one more day of effort has been passed together. It's funny that the more i've gotten fed up with Ramadan, the more i seem to really understand the meaning of it, for only now can i even vaguely imagine what it would be like to be forced into fasting days on end without choice, and how quickly the world view changes when you're in that position. I know i haven't taken advantage of this month as well as i could have, for i've spent more time being ill-tempered than i thought was even possible for me. Thus i only hope that it's a beginning of rethinking the way i live my life, and what i do with the choices i can make from day to day. But of course, all that thinking is gonna have to wait... at least until after Ramadan.Wow, that wrapped up well. So to all family and friends, I hope you are well. I love hearing from you, because even though i thought it was impossible, i do have moments of being home/friend/america/ and even *gasp* Duke-sick (please remember that "Duke" in this context does not refer to what the masses might think of as "Duke," but rather the small few and far between aspects such as good friends and teachers).Forward on to whomever you wish.

Lots of love-Zoe

.P.S. the rain came yesterday, and turned right from hot summer into chilly winter. No such thing as subtlety in these parts, right to the point.