First feelings:

It hit me harder than I had expected. The moon. Outside the window as we were landing in Amman was the brightest white I had ever seen. I thought a helicopter spotlight was shining in my eye.

The smell. I stepped off the plane and took a whiff of something that I haven't smelled, felt, remembered, forgotten, licked, coughed, picked, had soaked into me for just over a year now. I'm now in my hotel where I'll be staying for my two month journey through the governments idea of intensive arabic study. I'll have more to write about that on once we have orientation in a few hours.

I could write about our 30+ journey to get here, the amazing people that are with me on this program, the niceness of the apartments where we are staying, but i my mind is stuck on that smell. I had never felt that feeling before. It was like all of the emotions, the horrors, the memories, details that I had purposefully put aside for the last year came running into me like a mac truck. It was shining in my eyes like an interrogation light (the helicopter...moon), it was seeping into my blood through the oxygen I breathed, and is now soaking into my mind. There is so much that I have put aside in this past year in order to cope with some of my time here in Jordan and in Syria. I knew that I would have to face it when I got here, but I didn't know it was be as invasive that this surgery feels.

Now without being to allusive or lyrical about my experience, let me just make clear that now, only 3 hours after arriving in Jordan, my feelings are intense. That's the only way I can put them. I'm already feeling the frustrations that being a woman come with in terms of access to certain communities and places-- which for me seem as the perfect opportunity to really use my arabic. I have the fears of running into certain people. I am also extremely excited to see others though. I'm excited to have those moments when I'm surprised by the genuine spirit of someone I misjudged. Like today on the plane, when I had one of my first 'exchange' of languages where I felt as if we were both learning the same amount from each other (me from his arabic, and he from my english). I'm so happy about learning from those around me. I'm excited to rediscover this city. I'm so excited to find myself in this city, to remember myself in this city, and the be myself in this city. I'm excited to have absolutely no time on my hands. I'm stoked to march up and down the hill outside our apartments when I don't have a place to run, or don't have time to go to a gym (one of the steepest hills I've ever seen). I'm scared that I'll get too wrapped up at moments, But I'm thrilled to find myself in those moments, realize it, and get myself out of them.

Most of all. I'm speaking Arabic. and i love it. I have boundless opportunities in front of me to not only learn a language, but to challenge myself in doing it, to overcome my personal fears that hinder me when in the highest need to learn. Who could ask for anything more?